RIGHT INTO YOU, I WILL GLOW.

first song i listened to after being released from the psychiatric hospital:

the best ever death metal band in denton the mountain goats

and believe me, i thought A LOT about what song to listen to, because everything matters.

also, i was patient number 39. i forgot to tell you in my voicemail.

i really, really wish that something harry potter related would be released soon.

i don’t know what i’m going to do once they stop coming out. probably feel old and silly that i have a memento of the series permanently scratched beneath the surface of my skin.

people just do not seem to understand how much the series means to me. the story is always there, the characters are always there, the writing is always there. i don’t care if deathly hallows wasn’t even the best, this truly signifies the end of what would be considered my “childhood”, even though i plan on never growing up and staying 7 years old forever. it’s amazing how much harry potter means to me. it’s not just a series, it’s not just a stupid children’s book, it’s so much more than that. if i didn’t even have my dark mark, i’d still always consider myself one of the biggest fans in the world for that series.

i used to be able to recite most of the chamber of secrets verbatim because i would listen to the books on tape as i would fall asleep in elementary school. i know what page dumbledore dies on, i know all the release dates for all the books and films and can easily identify what else was going on in my life because of those release dates, i remember what time i saw harry potter and the sorcerer’s stone for the first time (5:55pm on november 17th, 2001, i had to see it the day after it came out because i was in school and dad had work to do). when the release dates for the film order of the phoenix and the book deathly hallows were announced in january, and the release date for the book wasn’t even solid, just a general time frame, with neither being released until that july, i immediately had my dad drive me over to work and wrote on the calendar for that week “harry potter. i cannot work, and if you call me, i will not answer. call me again on july 24th.” i even remember what date i reserved my copy: january 22nd. it wasn’t even on an official “form”, it was a scrap of paper that said “HARRY POTTER 7” at the top. i wrote down my name and email address and made sure it got into the right hands. then, in april or may, when the cover art was released and borders had the gift cards made up with the cover art on them, i bought one and asked the sales clerk exactly how much the book would cost after the release date discount. (and of course i remember how much: $25.38) i got that amount on the gift card, and as i hugged my copy close to my chest, i tearfully, TEARFULLY, handed over my gift card to the sales clerk. his name was chad, and i’d talked to him before because that borders was across the street from the vintage stock where i worked at the time, and he asked me if i was okay. all i could do was gulp and a fresh batch of mascara-stained tears rolled down my cheeks. i felt that this was it, this was the end of my childhood as i knew it. this was before my decision to stay young forever and not fall into everyone’s plan of what my life should consist of. this was when i was 99% sure i was going to go to the university of kansas and major in english. this was before chicago was even a bleep on my radar. i remember after half-blood prince came out this summer, i was with stuart in his car, texting john about how angry i was at how awful it was and he told me to go home and check tumblr, and he’d recorded a version of “sea of love” on the piano that made it sound like a music box, because he had a feeling that i would hate it and could use the calming. and it worked. but that’s not the point. the point is, i will always remember that because of harry potter.

it is so strange how everything has radically changed so much in my life, but it feels so normal that i can map out these changes based on release dates for a series about good and evil and love. i have grown up with this series, and if i ever have children of my own, i hope they can find something like this to hold onto when everything around them is changing and growing. i hope that thing can be harry potter for them as well, but if it’s not, that’s just as good.

so yeah, i’ll be there, november 19th, 2010, at some theatre in chicago dressed up as hermione granger or luna lovegood or even bellatrix lastrange (again), holding my wand and freaking out just as much as the next person about what is about to transpire over the next 3 and a half hours.

there are maybe two things i love in this world as much as i can love a person, and harry potter is one of them. the other is of course, the flaming lips and their album “the soft bulletin”. the flaming lips will continue to grow and change, but harry potter will always be set in stone, and i know that is one of the reasons why i love it so much.

the first was her long dark hair.

the second, was how easily she could cut it off and not feel anything.